tugged

tug of war between the ones who brought me into this world.

i cannot compare..one who left when i was barely 1 yr old to another who took me back.

but

the one who took me back too was never around, my besties were his parents and brothers.

i barely knew a lot about him besides where he worked, his friends were vague to me.

i had never hugged nor told him any of my personal life before in my life ( maybe when i was going to be outstation,at the airport, a farewell hug)

he paid for my papers yes it was but i think what i had given back was there and for my future kids, it will also be a responsibility of mine unless i am not able to.

he sided with the one who threw me out of the house not once but thrice.

i had never looked back after the 2nd time and basked in the warmth of my friends and boyfriend in those trying times.

when self was asked why does it seems that I do not care about this family anymore.

i stumbled at his words from over a decade out of their lives.

flash backs came to me:

“where were you when i needed to be in hospital for emergencies

“where were you when i was so out and down

“where were you when i had to burn mid night oil to have a better future

“where were you when i needed someone who was my family

sounds selfish but those who do not know my history will never know

and i do not like to be in a cross fire of any sides.

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what was I doing

been some time i had being in this platform.

work is making me fly everywhere.

personal stuffs are making me fly everywhere too

but

after going thru this platform especially from year 2005-2007, I never did realize upon those times, how silly or a dumb ass I was for some reasons.

And too i never even realized that I had been so blind to someone who had been a guardian angel around me at my worst times. I cannot remember how much he was around me, cannot remember he did know a lot of my friends, cannot remember how he will wait for me downstairs for me when he was not fetching me home from my club nights and how he would put a smile on my face at anytime.

And I even told myself last time when he told me ” we are like soul mates” that it means we will the best friends even if we had our own partners.

what was i thinking.

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shattered

Image

seen certain things

my world was shattered but the worse is not the seen

but the words from the mouth

that it’s not only one…

i know from what had been spoken with the conversation

and those truly 

that ultimately it is not what it seems it is

distance is the word

no one could ever make you so pissed to throw away something you got for me

no one could ever make u cry in the eyes for things that i said

and no one could every replace the times in middle east i believe for both of us 

i believe from somewhere where i got some prayers done: 

*your request will be granted. The patient will get well soon. The lost article will be found soon.*

 

 

 

 

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feeling

i am still not used to to the feeling being back in Singapore. I dun like a lot of things here.

Simple things in work or social…it became more complicated than 2 years ago when i was away.

i met a long time fren last week..he just commented ” u feel/sound happier when you were out of Singapore”

i reali agree witn him and i feel sucky now typing this.

sometimes ..the best of friends may not be known here.

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been some time i was back

it had been like 6 mths back fr middle east…was there for about 2 years..what can i say about it.

there had been bad stuffs all around middle east but out of that, there’s lotsa beauty in it too..as one of my ex manager placed it..its not the place or wat so ever..its the people that surround u.

i had been blessed i have lotsa people who were from sg around me, who took care of me, make sure am ok..eat n such…and cooked the rite stuff when i was sick…kudos to them. i never felt alone, is the camadarie spirit that witholds everyone.

i nv had a real family life back in sg..cos of the broken family part but from there i had experienced the joy of a whole family sitting dwn to eat together..home cooked food n such..the people who were real n never forgot their roots. i loved it to bits.

Culture wise, shock it was for the 1st 2 months esp when i was there during the fasting period. i hard of stories like people smoking in the open during that time whoe were slapped by the police over there. ( what i heard happened to a non sg person). oh well, dressing wise changes..no shorts no singlet.hv to be at least till knee berms or tee shirt length. alcohol only in hotels.

Work wise, it was a set up, i had my fair share of happiness/sadness there..it was tough as i was the pioneering gal there who had to work things out for the site/dept. sucked my thumb..sucked my ego/tears to be where i did. The people i met there, though the differences..it had been a good experience and also but never was once i regretted going there.It brought me up and changed my character and perspective.

i had to go back to sg due to some personal reasons, if not for it, i would still be there.. There it is, as a gal fr middle east or Qatar =]

do as it is/love as it is..i had my best times there in my life.

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Overnight

We became enemies overnight

How did it happened this way

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all the time

what if all i had done is just to push u away from me…to let u feel how to hate me, how u gg to feel how the future is gg to be..

cos my 6th sense is better.

what a good actress i am..

i dun mind hw hurt i am or how my heart is tearing  out now..

is only me n my close frenz who noe how i feel

pride me anyone.

 

 

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